By: Brett Carey, Worship Leader
I would like to dedicate this post to my Mom, my roommate Tanner, and my best friend Caleb as they have inspired the words I wrote for this.
As I’m thinking about how to start these thoughts, I reflect upon this past season of life. I feel as if I’ve turned into a hollow body. It’s easy to move my limbs as if I’m a functioning human, when really I feel emptiness on the inside. One of my closest friends, Tanner Nickell, wrote a poem that has a line that rings in my head constantly. “Maybe this is what normal is, just the right amount of apathy.” These words are penned in my head like the sounds of screaming silence. For those of you who didn’t pick up on that, “screaming silence” is almost oxymoronic, or maybe it’s a metaphor.
Throughout the years, I’ve felt that the closer to God I got, I would start to feel further and further from Him. I remember all of the crazy testimonies where people would rave about the most terrible situation that anyone can think of, but God still saved them from this horrible life they were living. Honestly that is great, and I praise God for those testimonies, but my depressive mind likes to twist this reality. My thoughts will try to tell me that I haven’t been through the worst of it so I haven’t truly experienced the fullness of God’s redemptive glory. The best way that I can describe this is by quoting a line from a song that I wrote recently. “I’m so tired this morning, because I’ve been locked out of my head. Jesus saves those in mourning, I fear I’m not there yet.”
Believing that I don’t experience any pain worthy of God’s redemptive glory is a self-defeating cycle and it’s one that is hard to shake off. I’ve tried to force the “just be happy” mindset, but I find that I don’t have much strength to keep that act up. For some reason, it’s easy for me to think that if I just treat my symptoms that I’ll be better, but it never works. Fortunately, my good friend Caleb Anderson recently reminded me about this reality. He said to me, “You can try to force yourself to be better, but you need to get to the root of the problem. Sin and pain stem from the heart and mind, and the way to get better is to pray for God to renew our minds.” Caleb is absolutely right about that. I can force myself to behave anyway I want, but that still won’t change my heart’s desires. Only God can change my heart and mind.
My prayer for all of us is that God will do just that. This is a prayer that I try to pray for myself every morning, and I know of other people in my life who do the same for them as well as other people, and I praise God for those people.
Romans 12:2 “2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Ezekiel 36:26 “26 And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”